she cannot draw, she cannot write, she cannot sing

there is no art in her
no creativity
no life
no soul

she picks her pen up and looks at the lined paper
and tries to write
but it turns out crappy and she hates her handwriting anyways so sharp and loopy and messy and ugly
so she crumples the paper and puts it to her side

then she remembers trees are dying and the earth is dying
and everybody is dying
and that she killed so many trees today
throwing all those papers workbooks files away into a big plastic bag
because her boss told her so

so she picks up the paper
smooths it out and turns to the empty page

sets her pen to it
and tries to draw

whatever she draws is unoriginal

shadowed eyes for sadness and pain and emoness and death and sickness and fragility
too long bodies too big eyes too perfect faces

there is no originality
all the same
mixed up mashed up cut up
stuck together bits of artists she had seen, watched or read before

she spits and she swears
and a tear pops in her eye
and she puts her pen down

oh her right hand how it hurt

she throws the paper and its half finished drawing away

useless crap.

and now she's sitting at the computer
pecking out stupid words on her new laptop keyboard
and praying that maybe this would bring back that life

but it seems it doesn't
it's just crap poetry masquerading as artsy fartsiness with its empty spaces
odd punctuation
shitty grammar
and stupid words used stupidly

this is foolish she thinks
but she cannot stop
oh no she cannot

so to infuse her life with bright color
again
she puts on her earpiece and turns on a song
an artsy fartsy song that is sad haunting miserable fluting

whatever.

maybe it would give her life back
maybe it would make her think
write
draw

something original

but the way this song is going
so dark
so sad
so miserable -

well, maybe it would just kill her!

her art is lifeless

the faces are wonky

her right hand shakes as she attempts to draw a side profile of a young man, a young man with a thick face, too big-eyes and spiky hair - attempting to emulate the so-called ' anime ' style

her pen shakes and shudders

the lines squiggle and slip sideways

the face turns out wonky

the mouth is too long, too big, too wide
the eyes too dead, too boring, too deaddeaddead

she throws the paper away
crumples it up


and
tries
all
over
again.

Dear Boy,

First may I express my shock that you not only made contact with me after all this time, but also that you said that you loved me. I know that I always talked about how much I wanted to be loved and needed, but to be honest you just scared the hell out of me as I read that. I thought we both had moved on. The reason why I write to Unsent Letters instead of to you is that I cannot bring myself to say such hurtful things to you directly. I knew you loved me, but I hoped that by ignoring it, you would get the hint and back off with no outright rejection. I wish you hadn't told me you still love me. Do you know how awful it makes me feel? I know the pain of unrequited love myself and never wished to be the cause of it for another. You ask if I love you... I'm sorry, but no. To be honest I don't think I have ever loved someone romantically. But I also do not (as you suggested) hate or despise you. I see you as a friend. Although for a while now I have been deeply uncomfortable around you or even when talking about you, because I know how you see me. I was waiting for something like this to happen, and still I have no idea of what I should say back to you. I hope to think of something soon.

Until then,
Kate

G,

I’ve been thinking about you a lot during this past week. I have no idea why that is, seeing as how I haven’t spared you a thought in months. Maybe it’s because of the holidays… or maybe because this is the time of year that I met you.

I can’t believe that it’s been almost 10 years that we would have known each other. The years were incredibly tough, and I honestly don’t know if they were worth it. The pressure you put on me during that time was incredibly unfair to me. I’m sorry that you aren’t happy with your life; I’m sorry that you even considered suicide as the answer. But how do you think I felt, every time you sent me a suicidal poem or threatened to do it? I was 12 years old and scared, trying my best to change your mind every time you wanted to commit the deed. I can’t even begin to tell you about how many times I was worried that I’d get home from school and find out that you had actually taken your own life.

In my diary, I described you as my soul mate. Now, I can’t even imagine what it was about you that made me so attracted to you. I think that you hurt me most of all when you chose her over me. For the longest time you had told me that you wanted to marry me and spend the rest of your life with me. But one argument and you not only don’t talk to me for a year and a half, but move all the way across the country and get engaged? It wounds me so deeply to think that I gave you all of me and it wasn’t enough for you.

Even though you were engaged, you told me that you loved me and how you wished you could leave your fiancée and start over. Those words gave me hope at the time, but I should have known that they were empty promises like the rest of the ones you made me. Even if you did follow through with all of the things you said you would do, how could we have really been happy? You complained about your fiancée behind her back all of the time; what would have stopped you from doing the same thing to me? Or seeing another girl behind my back, like you did to S?

I think I needed to realize that you are a user. I don’t think you mean to be, but you use the fact that you had a rough childhood to get sympathy out of people. I fell for it until you walked out of my life for a year and a half, and I used that time to grow as a person. I got a job I love, made real friends, and realized that I can take time to put myself first and that’s okay. This is something I never felt when I was with you; every time we talked it was all about you. Most of the time you couldn’t even be bothered to ask me how my day was or how I was doing. You dictated the conversation, and it always seemed like you talked AT me instead of TO me.

I eventually wised up and started moving away from you… something you finally noticed when it was too late. In one of the last voice mails you left me, you asked me why I never talked to you anymore. The answer I couldn’t give you is that I can’t let my heart be broken anymore. You took my love, my life, and my innocence and shattered everything into a million pieces. I don’t know if I can pick all of the pieces up.

I don’t want to think about you anymore. I don’t want to keep rejecting men who are interested in me out of habit, knowing that you’d be upset. I don’t want to keep comparing every prospective date to you. I don’t want to hope that even though I’ve changed my number and moved, you’ll find me somehow and beg me to take you back. If I was a weaker woman, I probably would do anything you asked me to. But I’m not that shy, insecure girl you first met anymore. I have inner strength and more self-assurance than I could have ever hoped for.

Even with all that happened between us, I do hope that you find happiness in your life. I think that if I met you on the street, I’d be able to sincerely wish you well and give you a smile. You deserve everything this world has to offer. It’s just now that I’ve realized that you don’t deserve a life with me in it. I was the best thing that ever happened to you, and I wish that you would realize that.

One day, I am certain; I will be able to stop loving you. No matter how long it takes.

-A.

To: Whoever controls the universe...

Life's never the way we imagine it and it's never as wonderful as it is on TV. Why do you taunt us humans with the ability to dream; to imagine, when 50% of the time we fail to even come close to achieving out goals? Why do you play with our heartstrings, make us bleed and then let us continue on the way we've always been going, wounded and stumbling? It's a cruel game that hurts too much for words.

I have no solution. I only thought I'd point out how unhappy the whole situation makes me.

Thanks,
S

I wanted to reach up into
The innumerable vastness of the night sky
And grab hold of the stars, letting
Their forms descend through the stratospheres
And clothe me like a warm blanket.

I wanted to run with
The wild things through the forests
And become a new person, forgetting
The fact that a cardboard ship won't
Really get me anywhere.

I wanted to hold you
Hands - the ones that seemed to
Fit with perfection into my own -
And never let go.

But that was before
Before I stopped dreaming
Before I stopped laughing
Loving, thinking, being
A child.

  underneath each manicured nail lies the filth and grime the tongue between these two red lips spits razor wire rhyme Temper as scorching as lava and an iron heavy heart the flaws are to many to list and too hard to come apart not an ounce of patience can't fix this jaded soul can't replace the passion to achieve each faded goal insides empty and hollow nothing left but the shell eyes that burn with anger just like the flames of hell theres nothing pure left all innocence unclaimed beauty an instrument of deceit beneath just raw and maimed

stepstomarrow
When granddaughter, Jada, was born with leukemia, a donor-match was located and Jada made a miraculous recovery. In honor of her grandaughter's health, Jeanna has decided to walk across the country (in the dead of winter) to raise awareness and build support for the bone marrow registry (all that's required is a cheek swab). Follow Jeanna's remarkable journey as she travels the United States by foot.

Dear scene kid with the beanie, I think you're absolutely gorgeous. Even though my friends don't think so at all. I also want to talk to you and get to know you,but I don't know what your friends would say I'm pretty sure we're polar opposites; You're a loud skater while I'm the quiet raver You're a pot head while I'm a E head You like big groups...I can only stand being around one other person But despite all of that, I still want to get to know you somehow My friend said you'd be good for me But In the end I bet you're with some pretty girl who likes to talk about bands X'S, The chick with the frog backpack

Dreamers are a dime a dozen,
If my own shortcomings are anything to go by.
You could build an Eiffel tower of aces,
But that really isn’t a winning hand.
A gust of reality could just as easily knock on your door.
And certify you a bona fide failure.
Maybe you’ll take heart from a line of cleverly arranged words,
Strategically placed to bolster hope.
Designed to remind you that the hand that gropes finds things in the dark.
The queen of hearts is the shyest card in the deck
And I’ve put so many on a pedestal
And lost out on so much by choosing to be vestal.
I’ve gambled lots of pride away so nothing succeeds at getting me ruffled.
Sometimes you get the exact same hand that you received before the deck was shuffled.
The seasoned gambler, hungry and keen can smell a good hand but his thoughts aren’t seen.
He refuses to paint a picture to reveal that this is a trophy he just can’t steal.
And he continues to raise the stakes and play.
Until the players have nothing left to give away,
And then when the timings right,
He takes his time to patiently strike,
And places his cards down one at a time.
As a grandfather clock echoes its chimes,
His eager hands grab the pot and he scurries.
Patience wins card games for those who don’t hurry.

i don't even really want to say your name,

i hate the fact that even 6 years later, the holidays are tinged with a hint of anxiety and shame. all because you were so stupid.

thinking back over that period of time in my life, i've reached a lot of conclusions. i was never left in hindsight with the impression that you were (are) a bad or evil person. do i think you are painfully sexist? absolutely. do i think you embody all of the prejudice and cruelty and ignorance that your father was so proud of? definitely. but i don't think you are evil or malicious. i think you were mean, i think you were manipulative, and i think you were insensitive. it's easier for me to continue thinking those things about you, too, actually-because if i didn't, i would give in to that general tendency i have to want to forgive and find the good in people and make amends and befriend the very people who have hurt me most in life. but you are the exception. you are the straw that breaks my back.

it makes me cringe to think about the day after christmas 2003, because when i think about it, all i can think about is everything you took away from me that afternoon (and i don't believe that anyone should ever have that much power over me). but it's true. i didn't give those things up, and definitely not willingly. i feel to this day that they were robbed from me, that they were snatched hurriedly and without warning, and it has left me scarred ever since.

since that cold afternoon, i'm an entirely different person. i'm someone who feels dirty every time she has sex, who can't enjoy sex, who can't allow herself to submit to pleasure, let alone communicate it. i can't be kissed on my neck anymore without it being hard for me to breathe. where there once was a girl who was happy and confident and surrounded by friends, there is now a young woman who consistently second-guesses and guards herself and isolates herself, because she believes that she will always be hurt in the end, and no one will hear her cry. i can't own the good things about myself and i'm more willing than ever to accept the bad things about myself uncritically. my relationship with god is hanging by a thread, and i feel so numb inside about it that i don't know how to get it back. i feel a persistent fear of being anything other than, "fine" to my parents, because it was you who made me their, "sick child," even though they didn't really buy it anyway-and their blaming it entirely on you and dismissing the other things has hurt my ability to share with them. i'm a colder, angrier person than i ever used to be. when i should be happy, i wait for the other shoe to drop-i feel like that emotion is something far off for me, like it's a heat i can feel at the tips of my fingers, but i can't for the life of me just jump headfirst into it.

and i think about that time and even though i know it's not my fault, i still blame myself-i should have told someone, i should have fought harder. but the fact of the matter was that though that afternoon was the one instance that would be worth a police report, it was that whole time that got me to the point that i didn't believe my safety, my body, my purity and my sanity were worth protecting. and to this day, i'm ashamed of myself for ever being in that position.

you ruined my relationship with Joe. by using him as a weapon to bring me to my knees and do what you wanted (just to get you to stop rubbing him in my open wounds), you also bound me forever to him. i will always love him for my own reasons, but i feel when i'm with him like i'm damaged. not like i'm a strong person who overcame you, but who destroyed herself by running to you to get him out of my system. by telling me, "close your eyes, it will be over soon," to get me to stop crying as you took from me the first time, it was his face that i found there-it was the last place i had felt safe. and so every time, every time i closed my eyes, a part of my soul begged him to wake up, and to save me. and he didn't. and so i can't be his friend. i can try awkwardly, i can pretend to, but i can't. because when i look at him, i'm reminded that he never saved me, and wouldn't if i asked him to. and it makes me angry.

and i punish shawn for everything you did to me. i'm closed off physically and guarded emotionally. as much as i make myself vulnerable, part of me always believes that he will let me down-because it was you who taught me that that's what people do to me. they take me for granted, they hurt me, they bruise me. and i want so desperately to stop doubting him. but i'm that kind of girl who holds her breath anymore, who consistently waits for the other shoe to drop. you have taken perhaps my most precious gifts-my faith and my optimism. and i can't seem to track them down, and i can't get them back. because you have them. you have stolen from me in one moment my faith in my own intuition, my sense of perception and reality, my confidence in my talents and strengths, my faith in others, my sweet sensuality. and so even though i'm an authentic person, i still feel in some moments that i'm walking in a shell of the person i used to be. that while i am still nice, and still smart, and still funny, that there's a sense of restraint to it, and it will never approximate the freedom with which i let my hair down and loved myself before you did what you did.

and it goes against every fiber of my being, but i don't want happiness for you. i don't want to wish you well or be civil. as long as you still appear in my nightmares, as long as your name or your proximity makes my heart race and my breathing hard, as long as i feel the shame and anger i do each december, i will hate you, and i will want you dead. which i hate about myself, i really do.

i just wish you'd leave me alone, and i wish i could get back what you stole. because you don't even know the magnitude of your keeping it. it breaks me. you've broken me.

sincerely,
your "queen."

Dear Sarah,

I'm so envious of your giving birth this week. The quilt I've made you is to be humorous and enjoyed but still it isn't enough. You are holding your child today. The world will forever be new seen through her eyes.

I stayed with my husband 28 years ago because he was the one who I wanted to father my children.
Didn't happen. The angst is so overwhelming, but useless to go over again.

You have made so many correct choices. I pray that your journey will be fantastic.

I'm afraid you won't let me be involved, that I won't be invited to babysit, that I will not be worthy... This time really isn't about me though. These are my fears, and I won't tell you any of them because you are surely allowed the joy of your motherhood.

Love you ALWAYS
B

It's okay to
laugh
sing
shout
whisper
dance
kiss
wave
snort
shush
and smile.

It's also alright to cry.

it's a long way to fall
from the sky
in the form of rain drops
and heartbreak

taken before you could form opinions
feelings are useless now
words echo
needing translation

vivid dreams of ocean waves
towering above your head
surrounded in all directions

she sighs
and smokes another cigarette
refuses the stream of tears
lingering at the edge

i will smile with this lying mouth
and say i love you, anyway
so let me go; let me wash away with the tide

For two years i lived with it
For two years i kept quiet
For two years everything seemed normal
For two years it was under control

I went to camp and told our secret
Im so sorry for breaking that promise
I cried so much those next days
Dreading coming home and what you'd say

I didnt even get to see you
They took you away
You admitted that it was true
I miss you every day

Today I saw you
You came in the house
Mom didn't tell you
I froze wanting to shout

You left once again
My mom apologizes
She doesnt know the pain
I hold the tears back and say its ok

Dear J,

Hello, my friend. It seems we have come full circle. I feel a peace about you now that I never did before. First it was fun, then it was flirtation, then it was weird, then it was formal and cold, then it became fun again. Somewhere in between all those things, I thought maybe I was in love with you. Then you started dating her, and I saw what you were really looking for - a vapid, lifeless trophy wife. And it made me hate you. I told everyone you were a jerk, and I stopped talking to you, avoiding you as much as I could.

Then somewhere along the line, I began to forgive you. Your charismatic personality and warped sense of humor redeemed you as they always do. People, myself included, can't help but gravitate to you. Slowly but surely, we evolved back into the friendly, light-hearted relationship we had before. And then, before I even fully realized it, you became a real friend. The other day, when we had that long and serious conversation, I realized that we've not only come full circle, we've evolved into something even better than before. That day, I told you about my deepest and most secret dream. I've always had this fear that if I ever told anyone that I wanted to go to med school, they'd laugh me out of the room. I've always believed that I was not capable of realizing that dream, and in one day - one hour - you totally squashed that notion. The things you said to me were so encouraging and they completely blew me away. I never knew anyone believed in me that much, least of all you.

After we talked, you said you were glad to have planted a seed. My dear, you didn't just plant a seed - you gave me wings. You set me free from my own self-doubt. You gave me the most beautiful gift someone can give. That day is a day I will always remember with such clarity. On December 12, 2009, you changed my life.

I will be forever grateful to you. I've got a long journey ahead of me, and I know there are going to be times during these next eight years when I need someone to lift me up. In those times, I will always think of you and the things you have said to me. Thank you, friend. I feel alive now because of you.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I wish you a lifetime of happiness and love!

All the best,

Me

I wish you'd just marry me already!

:3

to my girl,

i've been missing you so hard, and i don't think you know how much effort it took to approach you today. i love you. you're the best friend i've ever had, and you're so wonderful that it just makes me ecstatic to know what we can continue to be friends, despite my faggotry. i love you. i respect you. i practically worship you, but that's creepy. so i don't but i would if that were a religion. you're just so amazing. but enough butt kissing. to the point of my letter:

thank you so much for understanding. thank you for persevering through my awkward stutter and poor wording. i'm so, so, soooooooooo sososo happy that you accepted my second apology, that it has erased eight months of pain. eight months of depression, of angst, fear, tears and self-loathing. i'm so terribly sorry that i ever lost you. i'm never going to make that mistake again.

and to make sure i don't, i want this to be the beginning of a new level of friendship between us. a friendship where we can tell each other how we're feeling, and what about the other may have made us upset. i want this to be forever. because you're my best friend. and i need you. i know that now.

you're the best. <3
with love,
the first worshipper at your temple >w<

* * * * * *

to captain horrible,

seriously? i haven't done anything to you. like, shut up. if you don't like me, tell me so to my face and get over it. i don't need to hear you stage whispering bad things about me from across the room. it's childish and stupid. what i did was a harm against her, not you. and i know that a good friend understands another's pain and all, but you don't need to go to the extent of putting words up in her mouth. that's not friendship, that's ridiculous.

and for the record? i don't like you. not any more. not now that i've seen what a jerk you can be. i still don't understand how you can get a girlfriend.

piss off;
that bitch who doesn't believe in global warming.

* * * * * *

to mum the great,

i love you. seriously. thank you for dealing with my tears and sobbing rambling for the past few days. and thank you for being my psychologist for five minutes. thank you for helping me get to the root of this, and thank you for showing such an interest. thank you for offering to take me to the doctor. thank you for letting me cry and snot onto your shoulder. thank you for not being grossed out by that. thank you for giving me the talk i've been needing for at least four months. thank you for giving me the resolve to finally talk about my feelings.

but most of all? thank you for giving birth to me. thank you for being my mum. i'll never question your judgement again.

i love you so much,
your very humbled daughter.

* * * * * *

to my metal panda dragon, >u<

i know you don't love me. i don't think i love you either. but i do. i love you like an older brother. and i hope you love me like a little sister. i'm excited to work with you again this summer. and yes, i'm glad you got fired to be able to do it. :)

thanks for being there when i needed you, with out needing details or a full run-down of the situation. you're spectacular.

keep texting me with your hilarity,
your multi-levelled subordinate.

This is off the top of my head...

My heart is
B
R
E
A
K
I
N
G
Because...
I thought
I
Loved You
You
Made me
B
E
Lie
V
E
I thought...
That I
Could trust you.
You
Made me
B
E
Lie
V
E
I guess
I didn't know you
After
A
L
L